Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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