I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
