farters have to be the big spoon...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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