we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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