I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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