i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Randomize
