I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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