Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
