she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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