She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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