I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
