Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
