On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
