I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
