remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
