Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
