Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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