My nipple is on Facebook.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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