I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
