There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
