I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
