he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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