I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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