my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
