Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
