I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
