It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
another moral hangover. fuck.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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