shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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