how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Everclear isn't food dammit
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
