I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
