When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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