do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
