Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
