went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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