They should really pass out barf bags in church
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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