My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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