I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize