If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
