the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
