My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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