My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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