my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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