yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
