My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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