i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
