I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
