Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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