I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
