Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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