What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the condom got lost in my hair
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
What a dumb baby whore.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
