My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
