I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
