We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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