we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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