The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize