You're so nebulous sometimes
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
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