3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize