Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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