So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
