I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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