And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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