I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize